I Am Begging My Mother Not To Read This Blog

A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Words (That I Didn’t Feel Like Writing)


Writer’s block is a bitch.

So instead of publishing any of the crap that I’ve been trying and failing to make funny for the past week or so, here’s a bunch of pictures of myself. Now you know what I look like when I write!* My dear friend Kate over at P L A T E 3 Photography happened to be following me around with her camera all day when I was trying desperately to write some funny shit for your amusement. It didn’t happen. Instead, I ate some pizza and got drunk in the bathroom about it.**

I shouldn’t be allowed to have the internet. Or, you know. Friends.

Thanks for visiting. I’ll try to use my words next time.


*Note #1: This is in no way an accurate representation of what I look like when I write. For starters, the light’s not NEARLY as good. The snuggie and whiskey, however, are dead-on accurate. From now on, you’ll get to play “guess what I was wearing!?!” whenever you read one of my posts. (Hint: It’s not usually the lingerie.) (Hint #2: Trick question. That’s not lingerie. That’s totally one of those off-brand Spanx body slimmers).

**Note #2: I’ve recently learned how to check the statistics on this blog, and the results are fascinating. It appears that some of my biggest fans, aside from “people I know in real life who read this so they don’t have to talk to me at a party,” fall into two very distinct categories. A whole lot of you are health-conscious yogi types who found me from a slew of yoga blogs, or from facebook posts from your health-conscious friends. Word! WELCOME! Another whole lot of you are folks who found me from googling phrases like “I don’t give a shit about my health” or on obesity help forums. OMG! WELCOME TOO!***

The point being, I welcome you all, people with bodies of many shapes/people with many opinions about what to do with those bodies. You wouldn’t know it, but I’m actually an incredibly active and busy person. I love the world, and delight in exploring it. I’m aware of health risks posed by obesity and diabetes, and I do think it’s a little terrifying that we don’t know what chemicals are going into our foods nowadays.

Which is not to say I don’t fucking RELISH tearing into a goddamned slice of pizza. It’s all in moderation, bitches. Now can we stop shaming each others’ bodies already and get back to reading time-wasting bullshit on the internet?

*** These are all ACTUAL PHRASES that have been entered into search engines from which people clicked on this site:

“moms be like damn i cant even shit in peace”
“fuck my mom photos”
“my mom fucks everyone in town”
“jobs for people who don’t give a shit”
“fuck his mom on the golf course”
“happy is happy and shit is shit”
“kid fart blog girl”
“fart in my face what to do smell”
“why do I fart when im not expecting it?”
“amber alert”
“unicorn sex pics fanfic”

Oh, god. All of you. Seek help. Immediately.