Twelve Habits of Happy, Healthy People Who Don’t Give a Shit About Your Inner Peace

Every damn time someone in my facebook feed posts something like this, I click it. Every damn time.

We all have this facebook friend, right? People you genuinely love and admire. People you like hanging out with. People you invite to your birthday parties. You know. Actual friends. Until you’ve clicked links exactly like this again and again and again. For YEARS. And all of a sudden, you start to wonder if this is some elaborate hoax, if you’ve actually just been reading the same article over and over.

It’s not like I have anything against happiness, or success, or meditation, or yoga, or being nice, or smiling more, or eating healthy, or losing weight, or being your best you, or embracing the day with a positive attitude. Those all sound great. Honestly, they do. And there are some really smart, simple truths to be found in all of those articles. There truly are.

It’s just that I have a problem with being told to do all of those things by skinny blonde ladies laughing on a beach wearing yoga pants.

Don’t believe me? Take the challenge. Next time you read one of these articles, I dare you not to play Inspirational Photo Bingo:

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Don’t believe me? Compiling these photos took LESS THAN FOUR MINUTES.

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I can’t fucking remember the last time I pranced around a tropical island paradise waving a white scarf around my head as a professional photographer snapped a picture, but I bet if I did, I’d be a whole lot happier too.

Below please find my version of this article, that I want to share with you, the internet. May it bring you all the inner peace you can cram into your backpacking gear right before downward dogging it atop that mountain at sunrise.

  1. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  2. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  3. Seriously, do you want that burger? Then just fucking eat a burger. Don’t be gross about it, and don’t eat a burger three meals a day. But I beg you, women and image-conscious male humans of the world, stop beating yourself up about it and just eat the fucking burger.
  4. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  5. Have good friends. Call them. Complain a little. That’s what friends are for. Return the favor. Don’t be a shitty friend.
  6. Learn how to laugh about farts. Fart more. Laugh about it.
  7. Be incessantly curious about the world around you! Experience art, science, beauty, and nature! But stop beating yourself up on those nights when you just want to sit your ass on the couch and watch reruns of Friends. 
  8. Smile when you feel like smiling. Laugh whenever you fucking feel like laughing. Pro tip: Being told to ‘laugh more’ is not going to make you laugh more. Being told to ‘smile more’ is not going to make you smile more.
  9. Make time for yourself. After you’ve run that 5K, started a load of laundry, harvested your organic vegetable garden, run to the bank, paid the bills, dazzled everyone with recipes that are cost-effective, healthy, and delicious, thought of something witty and clever to share with your social networking site, caught up on current events and politics, and cleaned all of the house, that special hour set aside just for you is so critical to your well-being.*
    10. Do whatever the fuck you want.
    11. Don’t care what other people think. Unless they’re right. In which case, fucking humble yourself enough to listen to them.
    12. Do. Whatever. The Fuck. You Want.

 

Do what you want. Be your damn self. Don’t be a terrible person. Be nice to others. Be supportive of your friends and allow yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt when they want to try something new, like rescuing shelter dogs, or making performance art in the nude, or dating terrible people. They’re your friends and you love them, and if they suck, stop being their friend. Show up for work. Pay your bills. Find some fucking purpose in your life, and figure out a way to share that purpose with others in a way that isn’t sanctimonious and doesn’t involve a picture of a woman laughing at an empty beach. Smile because something makes you smile. Laugh because you’ve surrounded yourself by people who make you laugh, and they’re funny fucking people, and you’re happy to be with them. Dance because you’re drunk at a big dance party with your friends and Michael Jackson is playing, not because ‘no one is watching.’ Everyone is watching. We’re at a fucking party. That’s how parties work.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

And the next time one of you has the kind of spare cash around to take a prancercise vacation to a tropical island, for the love of all that is holy please bring me with you. I am excellent at waving scarves around but even better at buying drinks with tiny umbrellas.

 

 

*And I don’t even HAVE KIDS! Or a husband! Or a boyfriend! I can’t even imagine how condescending that advice must feel to working moms. As someone who works all the time and can barely remember which day of the week the trash gets taken out: making time for yourself seems like one of the cruelest bits of advice of all. I’ll make plenty of time for myself. ONCE I FINISH ALL OF THE THINGS.

980 thoughts on “Twelve Habits of Happy, Healthy People Who Don’t Give a Shit About Your Inner Peace

  1. You champion you. Love your blog.* I wrote a piece yesterday about imaginary Instagram Island… Actually I think the girl waving the white scarf lives there…. With her long-haired guitar hippy boyfriend and his non-for profit millionaire organisation.

    Have a look if you get a chance. http://www.matissewb.com

    * and I didn’t just say that because it’s similar to mine.

  2. I am a working mom, with very little time, and I loved this article! The sacred spare moments can often be filled shoulds or guilt. Brilliant reminder.

    • Agreed… oh the guilt for taking that extra minute in the shower when your child may inexplicably wake from sound sleep. This article is so appropriate for such a diverse group- but as a single, working mother the last paragraph is perfect.

  3. We have bastardized happiness to the point now where were are looking for perfection. Perfectionists strive to be what they think will meet others expectations – not their own desires for self improvement. The problem with the good intentions of the articles is that they continue to make a woman feel not ‘enough’ and thus add to the list of reasons why they suck instead of making them feel better.

    Women need all the help they can get giving a big F-U to society. This was fun to read and I still got out of it: be human, it’s OK, be authentically you.

    I have to say, however, that the “me time” thing is real… the problem when we don’t get any self-love is we put an exhausted version of ourselves out there in the world. Make choices that drop the shit you don’t need and free up some time for things that actually energize you. You gave several good ideas in your list of 12 :)

    I have two kids and I got an email from someone who was cancelling my fitness class. I told her I didn’t get it because I was in bed at 9 p.m. She said “must be nice mom to be in bed so early. I’d love that.” I’m thinking — I was nursing and freaking exhausted from a day of work/life hell. I don’t think she meant to be insensitive, she should walk in my shoes before telling me how great I must have it.

  4. Great article, made me belly laugh! All true.
    Though I don’t know why this article must be punctuated with “fucking” every other word in order to be witty or funny or relevant. Said as someone with a potty mouth soaped out by parenthood, and who hopes her children will learn to speak the English language without the constant use of “like”, “amazing” and “fuck”, unless it is an adult activity.

  5. Your post gave me more laughs, smiles and feel good moments than all the photos of girls in yoga pants (with or without sunrises, beach scenes and clouds) have in a very long time. Good karma to you for that. :)

  6. So many of us are sick of the wowserish, do-gooders out there who n ot only want to clip our wings but chop them right off. I have an auto-immune disease and there;s this Sarah Wilson who then goes and does a site about how she has an AI and gave up sugar and is now making a motza out of her restrictive life practices. Meanwhile, my kids and I have been on a journey through Jamie Oliver’s indulgently fattening lasagna and making Chocolate Caramel Slice and Mars Bar Slice as I teach them how to cook and I learn how to be more systematic. Some people sure try hard to make you feel bad about yourself. Try to give you the guilts. Well, I’m just going to be me. Too bad!
    I do, however, believe that everybody needs some downtime in their life or they’ll become unwell in one way or another. Take it from me, your income really suffers when you can’t work at all. I don’t think working ourselves into an early grave unless its to provide life’s necessities is worth it. Of course, there will always be those people who just others by the car ou drive but it’s their loss xx Rowena

  7. One night I was watching “Friends” and I realized I was jealous and feeling inadequate about these charming fictional people. It reminded me to go out and be with real people, do some real things rather than just watch a fiction that I can never be a part of. At least let me be jealous and feel inadequate of something that I can attain.

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  9. I tend to be one of those happy, meditating, eat-healthy people who I am quite confident annoys the shit out of some people…and I loved this article. So true and hilarious and fun to read. Maybe after you read an article that says bullshit like “smile more” or “laugh more”….just put a link to this blog so the reader actually can! We need to not take ourselves so seriously for sure. I did happen to notice that there was only 1 blonde in all of those pictures…and being a blonde who lives in my yoga pants when I’m not with clients, I say this: give the blondes a break already!

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  15. Haha, this is great. I came across this blog from a friend’s social media, and as someone who’s has massive highs and lows in my life, I couldn’t agree more. The only self help most of us need are self awareness, not images thrown together for Facebook :).

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  18. I actually cried at item 9. I cried because this is so typically me in a daily basis…where’s the fun in my life? It mad me quite sad upon reflection. Tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to make time for myself. Thank you for your brutal, wonderful piece of advice.

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  20. Thank you so much for putting NSFW I shared it on fb. Sorry this comment is lame and seems like a spam post but I wanted to subscribe to your blog because I was very amused by this article. Just eat the fucking burger, Donnie!

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