Twelve Habits of Happy, Healthy People Who Don’t Give a Shit About Your Inner Peace

Every damn time someone in my facebook feed posts something like this, I click it. Every damn time.

We all have this facebook friend, right? People you genuinely love and admire. People you like hanging out with. People you invite to your birthday parties. You know. Actual friends. Until you’ve clicked links exactly like this again and again and again. For YEARS. And all of a sudden, you start to wonder if this is some elaborate hoax, if you’ve actually just been reading the same article over and over.

It’s not like I have anything against happiness, or success, or meditation, or yoga, or being nice, or smiling more, or eating healthy, or losing weight, or being your best you, or embracing the day with a positive attitude. Those all sound great. Honestly, they do. And there are some really smart, simple truths to be found in all of those articles. There truly are.

It’s just that I have a problem with being told to do all of those things by skinny blonde ladies laughing on a beach wearing yoga pants.

Don’t believe me? Take the challenge. Next time you read one of these articles, I dare you not to play Inspirational Photo Bingo:


Don’t believe me? Compiling these photos took LESS THAN FOUR MINUTES.


I can’t fucking remember the last time I pranced around a tropical island paradise waving a white scarf around my head as a professional photographer snapped a picture, but I bet if I did, I’d be a whole lot happier too.

Below please find my version of this article, that I want to share with you, the internet. May it bring you all the inner peace you can cram into your backpacking gear right before downward dogging it atop that mountain at sunrise.

  1. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  2. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  3. Seriously, do you want that burger? Then just fucking eat a burger. Don’t be gross about it, and don’t eat a burger three meals a day. But I beg you, women and image-conscious male humans of the world, stop beating yourself up about it and just eat the fucking burger.
  4. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  5. Have good friends. Call them. Complain a little. That’s what friends are for. Return the favor. Don’t be a shitty friend.
  6. Learn how to laugh about farts. Fart more. Laugh about it.
  7. Be incessantly curious about the world around you! Experience art, science, beauty, and nature! But stop beating yourself up on those nights when you just want to sit your ass on the couch and watch reruns of Friends. 
  8. Smile when you feel like smiling. Laugh whenever you fucking feel like laughing. Pro tip: Being told to ‘laugh more’ is not going to make you laugh more. Being told to ‘smile more’ is not going to make you smile more.
  9. Make time for yourself. After you’ve run that 5K, started a load of laundry, harvested your organic vegetable garden, run to the bank, paid the bills, dazzled everyone with recipes that are cost-effective, healthy, and delicious, thought of something witty and clever to share with your social networking site, caught up on current events and politics, and cleaned all of the house, that special hour set aside just for you is so critical to your well-being.*
    10. Do whatever the fuck you want.
    11. Don’t care what other people think. Unless they’re right. In which case, fucking humble yourself enough to listen to them.
    12. Do. Whatever. The Fuck. You Want.


Do what you want. Be your damn self. Don’t be a terrible person. Be nice to others. Be supportive of your friends and allow yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt when they want to try something new, like rescuing shelter dogs, or making performance art in the nude, or dating terrible people. They’re your friends and you love them, and if they suck, stop being their friend. Show up for work. Pay your bills. Find some fucking purpose in your life, and figure out a way to share that purpose with others in a way that isn’t sanctimonious and doesn’t involve a picture of a woman laughing at an empty beach. Smile because something makes you smile. Laugh because you’ve surrounded yourself by people who make you laugh, and they’re funny fucking people, and you’re happy to be with them. Dance because you’re drunk at a big dance party with your friends and Michael Jackson is playing, not because ‘no one is watching.’ Everyone is watching. We’re at a fucking party. That’s how parties work.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

And the next time one of you has the kind of spare cash around to take a prancercise vacation to a tropical island, for the love of all that is holy please bring me with you. I am excellent at waving scarves around but even better at buying drinks with tiny umbrellas.



*And I don’t even HAVE KIDS! Or a husband! Or a boyfriend! I can’t even imagine how condescending that advice must feel to working moms. As someone who works all the time and can barely remember which day of the week the trash gets taken out: making time for yourself seems like one of the cruelest bits of advice of all. I’ll make plenty of time for myself. ONCE I FINISH ALL OF THE THINGS.

907 thoughts on “Twelve Habits of Happy, Healthy People Who Don’t Give a Shit About Your Inner Peace

  1. Reblogged this on Insightful Distractions and commented:
    This writer’s blog popped up in my stream of blogs you might like. I read a couple, then I came to this one. I want this woman to be my friend…

    That’s the awesome thing about writers and writing. You get an inside look at individuals thought process. At least the portion of if that they are willing to share.

  2. Love it! I’m following now. I’ve been spending WAY too much time comparing myself with others and trying to figure out how they make it work and be happy (although most of them aren’t that happy). I’ve finally realized that the only way to “make things work” is to make them work my way, and do the things I want that make me happy. Thanks for the refreshing post!

  3. Unfortunately for some people, “what the fuck they want” is to make themselves and everyone around them miserable 24×7. They may or may not “want” it, but that’s what they always end up with. The are, perpetual victims and they positively consume self-help articles like a 8 your old consumes candy on Halloween.

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  5. Honestly? Could have been fun and you may have talent as a writer, and you probably have good observations. But your vocabulary is limited and you lost me at the fifth “fuck”. Loved the Bingo game, though

        • “Saying” doesn’t require an apostrophe. Apostrophes show possession or, in some cases, the missing letters of a word that the writer spells as a colloquialism to show how the speaker said it, as in sayin’.
          Since we’re talking about ignorance.

    • I love the word fuck. I think it’s really expressive. And anyone who dismisses what I say because I use a “bad” word when I say it, really isn’t paying attention to what I’m saying. Which is pretty fucking disrespectful.

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  7. As someone who has trouble holding a job, because of certain health issues, I believe one of the main keys to happiness that was failed to be mentioned was working all the time. Having purpose in life, and giving back to society by having a job, either that you like or don’t like, is a major contributor to happiness! I know this because not having a job feels shitty, and I wish I could have a job that made me feel good. I’m working on it. Everything else I agree with completely! Thank U for this little bit of realism :) Love it.

  8. Hi! If I weren’t twice your age and (just barely still but legally) married and a total stranger who could be a serial killer but, worse, is a lawyer, would you have coffee with me as the start of a whirlwind romance? I mean, if it weren’t for the run on sentence?

  9. More self help……affirming the worthlessness of self help! I doubt the happiest people are looking to blogs to find their happy! They are doing what they want! Sad irony here.

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  12. I love it…well said…those who interpret this incorrectly are the very idiots u spoke about who are…”fuccin miserable” smh. I love the expression n free spirited vibe!

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  14. I just started reading your blog today. I started with your piece on racism it was remarkable. I look forward to many great reads.

  15. This. Was a fabulous read. I, too, click those “ten habits of highly successful/happy/fulfilled people” links and, more often than not, realize that I am clearly not one of those people. The only thing that shows up both on their list and on yours is “Don’t worry about what other people think about you.” It’s great advice but hard to take to heart if, as is the case with me, you have been unemployed for a long time and am starting to wonder what you’re doing wrong. But I digress…

    Keep up the great writing!

  16. Ha! You had me laugh so much! But I am quite sorry for all those people who commented something mean or stupid, have they ever heard about irony and having fun in your life?…

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