Twelve Habits of Happy, Healthy People Who Don’t Give a Shit About Your Inner Peace

Every damn time someone in my facebook feed posts something like this, I click it. Every damn time.

We all have this facebook friend, right? People you genuinely love and admire. People you like hanging out with. People you invite to your birthday parties. You know. Actual friends. Until you’ve clicked links exactly like this again and again and again. For YEARS. And all of a sudden, you start to wonder if this is some elaborate hoax, if you’ve actually just been reading the same article over and over.

It’s not like I have anything against happiness, or success, or meditation, or yoga, or being nice, or smiling more, or eating healthy, or losing weight, or being your best you, or embracing the day with a positive attitude. Those all sound great. Honestly, they do. And there are some really smart, simple truths to be found in all of those articles. There truly are.

It’s just that I have a problem with being told to do all of those things by skinny blonde ladies laughing on a beach wearing yoga pants.

Don’t believe me? Take the challenge. Next time you read one of these articles, I dare you not to play Inspirational Photo Bingo:

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Don’t believe me? Compiling these photos took LESS THAN FOUR MINUTES.

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I can’t fucking remember the last time I pranced around a tropical island paradise waving a white scarf around my head as a professional photographer snapped a picture, but I bet if I did, I’d be a whole lot happier too.

Below please find my version of this article, that I want to share with you, the internet. May it bring you all the inner peace you can cram into your backpacking gear right before downward dogging it atop that mountain at sunrise.

  1. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  2. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  3. Seriously, do you want that burger? Then just fucking eat a burger. Don’t be gross about it, and don’t eat a burger three meals a day. But I beg you, women and image-conscious male humans of the world, stop beating yourself up about it and just eat the fucking burger.
  4. Do whatever the fuck you want.
  5. Have good friends. Call them. Complain a little. That’s what friends are for. Return the favor. Don’t be a shitty friend.
  6. Learn how to laugh about farts. Fart more. Laugh about it.
  7. Be incessantly curious about the world around you! Experience art, science, beauty, and nature! But stop beating yourself up on those nights when you just want to sit your ass on the couch and watch reruns of Friends. 
  8. Smile when you feel like smiling. Laugh whenever you fucking feel like laughing. Pro tip: Being told to ‘laugh more’ is not going to make you laugh more. Being told to ‘smile more’ is not going to make you smile more.
  9. Make time for yourself. After you’ve run that 5K, started a load of laundry, harvested your organic vegetable garden, run to the bank, paid the bills, dazzled everyone with recipes that are cost-effective, healthy, and delicious, thought of something witty and clever to share with your social networking site, caught up on current events and politics, and cleaned all of the house, that special hour set aside just for you is so critical to your well-being.*
    10. Do whatever the fuck you want.
    11. Don’t care what other people think. Unless they’re right. In which case, fucking humble yourself enough to listen to them.
    12. Do. Whatever. The Fuck. You Want.

 

Do what you want. Be your damn self. Don’t be a terrible person. Be nice to others. Be supportive of your friends and allow yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt when they want to try something new, like rescuing shelter dogs, or making performance art in the nude, or dating terrible people. They’re your friends and you love them, and if they suck, stop being their friend. Show up for work. Pay your bills. Find some fucking purpose in your life, and figure out a way to share that purpose with others in a way that isn’t sanctimonious and doesn’t involve a picture of a woman laughing at an empty beach. Smile because something makes you smile. Laugh because you’ve surrounded yourself by people who make you laugh, and they’re funny fucking people, and you’re happy to be with them. Dance because you’re drunk at a big dance party with your friends and Michael Jackson is playing, not because ‘no one is watching.’ Everyone is watching. We’re at a fucking party. That’s how parties work.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

And the next time one of you has the kind of spare cash around to take a prancercise vacation to a tropical island, for the love of all that is holy please bring me with you. I am excellent at waving scarves around but even better at buying drinks with tiny umbrellas.

 

 

*And I don’t even HAVE KIDS! Or a husband! Or a boyfriend! I can’t even imagine how condescending that advice must feel to working moms. As someone who works all the time and can barely remember which day of the week the trash gets taken out: making time for yourself seems like one of the cruelest bits of advice of all. I’ll make plenty of time for myself. ONCE I FINISH ALL OF THE THINGS.

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861 thoughts on “Twelve Habits of Happy, Healthy People Who Don’t Give a Shit About Your Inner Peace

  1. Pingback: Friday Letters Nov 29/11 | Sherbet and Sparkles

  2. This is so perfect. I just wrote a similar, not nearly as hilarious, post about doing whatever the hell you want in your twenties. My friend commented that it reminded her of THIS article (don’t worry, I argued that yours was much better). Thanks for the laugh and for your amazing blog overall :)

    • Spot on, Dan. While I enjoy post – I cringe at the thought of people who do whatever they want and leave it there (without thinking about how it may screw someone else over in the process). Thanks for the bit-o-balance!

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  4. This shit is awesome and so true.It just depends on how you use her advice,incorporate it into your own life.But anyway who gives a fuck.

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  6. Well said , nothing drives me more nuts then people trying to please others so much that they have no personality cause they never do what THEY want. As for those who dont like the swearing, you obviously dont get the point. The idea is to not give a shit about other peoples judgments, so FUCK social conduct. This is me deal with it.

  7. Wow it sounds like someone needs to take an hour a day and do whatever makes them happy! And with a smile I might add ,its scientifically proven, its very hard to be mad when you smile.

  8. clearly some of the people who read this post do not have a sense of humor and are way too easily offended! i found it funny and refreshing….keep on writing! :-)

  9. “Dance because you’re drunk at a big dance party with your friends and Michael Jackson is playing, not because ‘no one is watching.’ Everyone is watching. We’re at a fucking party. That’s how parties work.”

    too funny and true, gj ^^

    ps. nice web address :))

  10. You say ‘be yourself,’ and then proceed to elaborate on what I assume is your idea of being happy. Does it scare you that for some people, being themselves doesn’t involve being nice at all?

    • I regularly converse with Angry “Christians” and I have to fill in a part of the bible that is missing.

      Jesus said love your neighbor as you love yourself……. BUT LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!
      :)

      …even if you have to run with scarves, but somehow, angry people aren’t Run with Scarves types.

  11. Obviously you have no responsibilities (like kids), so you can DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU WANT TO. Lucky you.

    • No one makes people have kids :) If you want a relaxed and don’t-give-a-fuck lifestyle then don’t have them. Worked for me. I’m 40, have no kids, go to the pub at weekends, enjoy foreign holidays twice a year and don’t give a fuck. It’s a life a recommend over being covered in baby puke, being skint and resenting everyone else for it.

  12. As a terminally happy person who does exactly what the fuck I want, I loved this column. Thank you! I’m off now to eat a green chile cheeseburger at the Famous Jemez Bar and Grill in Jemez Springs, NM. And I’m going to eat the damn fries too. Fuck those calories. I can skip dinner if I’m really worried about gaining another pound. (BTW, a short disclaimer: I’m 61 (probably older than your mother) and only use the F-word when it’s appropriate.)

  13. “Do whatever the fuck you want.. but be nice to others be your damn self dont be bad to others” Think about it it makes no sense to put all that in the same sentence.. you can’t say do what you want but be nice to others.. what if what makes me happy is to torture animals murder people and commit pedophilia.(which for me is obvioulsy not.. just saying) so you cant just say do what the fuck you want but be nice.. do what you want eat that fucking hamberger but dont feel bad about the animal that was quite possibly tourmented scared shitless and maybe treated badly over its life..Fuck it its not like its a living breathing feeling creature.. fuck it do what you want.. The most idiotic retarded ting ive heard… I know ill get attacked for this.. but fuck it im saying what is the truth.. having a fucking heart means not just doing what the fuck you want!!!

    • They are not mutually exclusive. Holy hell, the point is simple. Do what you want but don’t be a dick. You should check into it.

  14. Dude, thanks for having a blog. Just came across it. I love your attitude, your humor and your bluntness. I’m looking forward to reading more.

    Btw, laughing might actually make you laugh more, though. One time, me and my brother started fake laughing, and that it turned into a massive fake and real laughing scene. Creepy in a way, but nevertheless fun. I don’t recommend doing this alone, that would be way too creepy, but nobody would know, so I guess do it alone if you want.

  15. Pingback: Twelve Habits of Happy, Healthy People Who Don’t Give a Shit About Your Inner Peace | Celebrating Happiness

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  17. Thank you for this! Signed, a 50-something single mother of two teenage boys. ‘Make time for yourself” really IS the cruelest thing to say. I want to punch every pampered, married with domestic help, living in Hawaii or goes-there-every-year-to-get-away suburbanite mom I know who tells me that right in the face.

  18. Pingback: Keep calm and do whatever the fuck you want anyway. | Frankly, DILLIGAF

  19. Always liked a good fart, in the 90′s and 00′s it tended to go out of fashion, but a decent fart and a good laugh about it beats waving a scarf on the beach hands down.

  20. Great, great article. Finally someone who says it right. It seems to be a crime to do whatever the fuck we want these days. But if not now, when? (Shameless self-promotion in 3, 2… Come by my blog if you want to read other things written by another twenty-something woman who writes whatever the fuck she wants).

  21. This is my first blog I have ever seen, thanx for your enlightening wisdom. I got a real kick out of it. Can’t wait to read more, a great intro for a 45 year old Aussie. I too tend to only use the F- word when appropriate, which is most of the Fucken time. Cheers.

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