I depend on other people for advice constantly. “Should I take that job?” No? Cool, thanks for the heads-up! “Should I go to that place for brunch?” No? You think that other place is better? Thanks, great!

Here are some other things I’ve given considerable thought in recent weeks: can I pull off high-rise jeans? What flavor of ice cream do I want? Should I have a second drink at the bar or just go home? Valencia or Hudson? Procrastinate tonight or work for another hour? Do I really need that coffee? Do I want to see that movie? Are those glasses frames really the right shape for my face?

Someone please explain to me how I am a member of the same species as anyone giving seemingly less consideration to the following dilemmas: “Hey, should I track and kill that endangered lion?” “Hey, am I overstepping my jurisdiction as an officer of the law?” “Hey, should I rape that woman?” “Hey, should I bring this gun into a crowded movie theatre and open fire?”

I can’t pull off high-rise jeans. I’m short and they make my round tummy look enormous. That one I can solve pretty easily.

If anyone knows the answer to solving the vast and incomprehensible wasteland of human cruelty, give me a call. I’d love to know if you’ve figured it out.