Sucks to be you, Jyn Erso.

There is a new Star Wars movie! I’m crying into my BB8 coffee mug! I’m as excited as an Ewok playing the drums on a stormtrooper helmet! This is awesome!


…… Cool. That didn’t take long.


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I want to play a fun thought game experiment. I want us to imagine that in a galaxy far, far away, there was once a disgruntled teenage girl who was bored with her quiet life on the desert planet of Tatooine, and a runaway droid led her to a wise old woman with a secret past, which kickstarted an adventure with a badass lady smuggler and her Wookie copilot, where they would rescue a handsome prince, held hostage in a terrifying prison by a masked, cape-wearing female villain. I want us to imagine that this movie inspired a generation of filmmakers, and became one of the most powerful cultural touchstones of the past century.

But, like, that didn’t happen. That’s not the movie that was made. There was Luke and Han and Chewie and Obi-Wan and Yoda and Darth and Admiral Ackbar and Wedge Antilles and Greedo and Lando and Boba Fett and Jabba and Grand Moff Tarkin and The Emperor, and later, there was Qui-Gon and Count Dooku and Darth Maul, and later than that, there was Kylo Ren and Finn and Poe Dameron and literally the other 95% of the characters who had penises. Who are awesome. Who I’m not disputing are awesome. I love Star Wars. BUT.



This was what we had before Rey. 






But in case you missed the memo, we don’t need feminism anymore, since we’re equal now, so. Cool. I’ll just be over here, wondering how the merchandise rollout is gonna go.



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