The Last Time I Went Viral, I Spent a Fortune On Cold Medicines And Had To Skip Work*

SHIT I HAVE NOT MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH IN THE PAST THREE DAYS:

Fixing that broken car door handle
Doing that load of laundry
Doing that second load of laundry
Ordering new glasses
Picking up that one rogue sock from under my couch
Answering that email
Answering that other email
Answering all the emails
Solving world hunger
Reading that book someone loaned me eight months ago and probably wants back
Proficiency in a foreign language
Buying a wedding gift for those friends who got married in January

SHIT I HAVE MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH  IN THE PAST THREE DAYS:

Showering regularly
Running dishes through the dishwasher
Watching the pilot episode of “Game of Thrones”
Going viral with a blog post on the internet
Reading all the comments on aforementioned viral blog post
Freaking out about it
Calming down about it
Showing up for work on time
Eating
Sleeping
Breathing
Accidentally killing another houseplant
Buying groceries

SHIT I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD JUST GET OFF MY CHEST:

I started this blog as a way to make my friends laugh, and also because I kept writing super-long and complicated facebook updates, which nobody really wanted to read. I cannot stress this part enough: I wrote that last post while watching “Game of Thrones” and eating a grilled cheese sandwich. The previous record-breaking statistic was 194 hits. I wasn’t really expecting anyone to read it.

As of a few minutes ago, this blog has been viewed over 286,000 times.

SO, YA KNOW, NO PRESSURE.

Seriously. I’m eternally grateful and overwhelmed and very excited and more than a little confused by the attention. I’m not really the funniest person in the room, ever. I’m usually like… maybe the fourth funniest? If I had to choose? (But Katherine, you ask … how many people are in the room? What if the room has Tina Fey in it? This is a terrible metaphor!! Does this even count as a metaphor?! See!?! This is why I’m always number four!)

I dunno. I was in a weird mood, and I wove a tapestry of profanities and published it to my little ol’ personal blog because I was in a momentary funk about those dumb self-help articles, and here we are. It’s super weird. AND AWESOME. I mean. This is AWESOME. You guys like me, you really like me!**

And then there was this brief moment where I started to feel obnoxiously self-important about it, like, “Uh, you know, I’m like, a big deal on the internet today,” and then a seven-year-old girl farted incredibly close to my face. It’s a long story***, but … well. Perspective.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, this is super cool. Thanks for reading. I will now resume my regularly scheduled updates, where I will tell you approximately whatever’s on my mind, and I will post them approximately whenever I feel compelled to write. I guess that’s how blogs work. Ok. I’m done now.

No, wait. THANK YOU. I wanted to make sure I said thank you. Ok. Now I’m done.

 

*I KNOW. Puns are such lazy writing! It’s just…. all I got at the moment.

**Except for those of you who don’t like me, and told me so in the comments, and that’s totally okay. A lot of what you’re saying is valid! For the record, I don’t think my ass is that fat, but I’m sure I have some pants in the back of my closet that would beg to differ. I have a ton of vegan friends who don’t judge me for eating meat, but I understand why you might. And you’re right, I was kind of hating on blondes for no reason! I used the word ‘fuck’ a whole lot – that IS kind of lazy writing! Again. I was really not expecting anybody to ACTUALLY READ THIS.

For those of you who want to date me: uh. Okay. I’m super bad at dates, but – I – oh, god, now I’m so nervous. Don’t date me. I’m sweating a lot just thinking about that. For those of you who want to be my friend: SURE! Let’s be the kind of friends where I don’t tell you my home address quite yet, since I’m new to this internet thing and I hear you’re not supposed to do that.  But eventually? Totally. Let’s be besties. For those of you who want to take me to an island paradise vacation: Uh. I mean. You’re not a serial killer or into anything too kinky, right? Hold on. Let me just scribble down my number. Wait. I’m not supposed to do that either? Fuck.

Also, I’m reading that last post again, and … you know, I could go into more about how “Do whatever the fuck you want” is actually NOT a synonym for “Eat a fucking cheeseburger and watch Netflix until you shit yourself on the couch, you purposeless waste of human existence,” but I think most of you understood that. And frankly, I don’t feel like writing any more about it right now.  BOOM. Taking my own advice!!

***The story isn’t actually that long. I sometimes work with kids as part of my job, and kids fart, and this girl happened to fart as I bent down to pick something up nearby. That’s the whole story. It was a silent but deadly one, too. And there’s nothing quite like the feeling of realizing, as a big ol’ fart wafts right in your face, that you’ve put yourself out there to thousands of strangers as the girl who challenged everyone to laugh more about farts and a kid just farted in my face and I just honestly don’t know if I want to laugh or cry about this. (I sort of wound up laugh-crying later on in the bathroom, but it wasn’t directly related. But that fart sure didn’t help things).

Ok. For real. I’m done for real this time.

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41 thoughts on “The Last Time I Went Viral, I Spent a Fortune On Cold Medicines And Had To Skip Work*

  1. I can’t wait for more of your writing. The “twelve habits” post was hilarious and the only blog post I’ve read start-to-finish (without skimming) in at least a year.

    MOAR LULZ PLZ KTHNXBAI.

    P.S.
    Nothing is more universally funny that flatulence. End of discussion.

  2. K-Dawg–it is the internet. You can change it at any time. The fucks, the farting, all of it. But please, please don’t. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and know that you’ve now got a larger subscription base than any of the theaters you’re likely to ever work for (Except for the Walnut…but we won’t talk about that). And get some advertising revenue up on the right side…for yoga pants and blondes and cheeseburgers and beano and self-help books. They all want a piece of you too right now. *This PSA comes to you direct from someone using a very old email address which she has forgotten the password to because she is scared of spam that much but knows it is still legitimate.

    • Of course, it goes without saying that all that un-asked for advice only works if you’re doing (once more with feeling now…) whatever the fuck you want.

  3. It’s intermission so i get to publicly say without getting into trouble that i like this entry too. So there! Also I feel like putting pressure on yourself to become proficient in a foreign language in the last three days is a bit too much considering your week. Unless you were like, 99.9% there already in which case you’re slacking.

  4. Do not change a thing about your writing style. You are amazing, refreshing, honest and refreshing I think I said that right? Not everyone is gonna like you and who the fuck cares really. You keep marching to the beat of your own drummer. We’ll keep reading:)

  5. I LOVE your writing! Please continue! I concur with the first comment – your last post and this one are the only two blog posts I haven’t skimmed but read in their entirety in well over a year.

  6. A fine follow up post. Well done. And funny too.

    No pressure! You’re stuck in my RSS reader for a good long time. And I’m totally safe… I’m happily married and I probably live far away. If not, though, you’ll never even know it if we pass on the sidewalk somewhere. 🙂

  7. My friend just sent this link to your blog and I LOVE it! You’re hilar. I definitely put you in my fav blogs to read daily-no pressure 🙂

  8. After I read your 12 steps post I went back and read all your other ones (I definitely was NOT procrastinating doing work or anything) and without fail each made me laugh out loud. Including this one, actually.

    Keep it up, lady.

  9. I object. Using fuck is NOT lazy writing. Sometimes its just all that can be said. All you fuck-haters out there can eat it.

  10. Thanks to that viral post, I found your blog. Congrats. I’ll be following you now. Not in a stalker-ish way, but in a legitimate RSS feed kind of way. Thanks for keeping it real.

  11. I’m looking forward to exploring your blog; the two posts I’ve just read are hilarious! And for the record, I don’t think that puns are lazy writing! I think they show creativity and witticism and I use ’em as much as I can! So, pun on!

  12. I’m really conflicted reading your blog. On the one hand, when I found you I was all, “Hell yes, she’s ME!” But on the other hand I was like, “Aw man, I suck compared to her.” I think I have a weird blog crush or some such insanity. I’m new to this shizz too.

  13. Jeez, you are fantastic! I don’t read blogs either, but this one is just freaking fantastic! Rock on, I’ll be following! I will not, however, be sharing. My mom will read it and wonder why I posted something with lots of “swear words.” After all, I’m only thirty and shouldn’t be reading such language….

  14. Yeah… I also read and loved and duly shared the “viral” post. And after that I read every post – I especially loved the one about your grandma.
    Your writing is fantastic! You have a fan in Bulgaria now. No international pressure, or anything 🙂

  15. Your awesome. I just decided I like you, not that you’d care – it not like you know me anyways. But you remind me of my friends, and your writing is kind of wacky, and your pretty hilarious. I’m going to hit the follow button 😉

  16. Dear chick who writes this blog-

    I was linked here through an email to an academic listserv, the friends of positive psychology.

    Now there is a battle on amongst the old codgers who are offended that someone would send something to the listserv containing profanity.

    It makes me chuckle.

  17. I agree with Lima, please don’t change a thing 😀 I love that I loved a post you wrote about a post you wrote. That gives me high hopes for future blog hilarity!! But, like another person said, no pressure 😛

    Anyhow, thanks for being hilarious.

  18. You are my new girl crush. I’m older than your mother probably, married and in Germany. I don’t want to come over. I’m in the middle of chemo for breast cancer and I love the f word. Please carry on because I need to and like to laugh more than anyone. I’m a follower.

  19. I hardly ever read blogs – as a new mom, I don’t exactly have time. But I have read every post you’ve written so far, and I love it. Don’t change your writing style, and please keep cursing. It’s great and while some might find it lazy, I think saying fuck a few dozen times a day really helps a girl with her nerves 🙂 you wrote a great post and I hope there will be so many more!

  20. Don’t apologize to those fuckfaces who criticized you for using “profanity”. THEY ARE THE ENEMY of “DWTFYW”. Fuck them. Go read the alchemist bitches.

    I think you’re a great writer but stand up for yourself and be confident–you have every reason to be now.

    But yes you’re right on the money–I was depressed my whole life until the last year or so–I had this amazing anti-spiritual (but spiritual) revelation where I realized that the world is a freeflowing place where anyone can do whatever they want and it doesn’t matter and it’s all bullshit etc etc.
    Literally it was so strong that I was able to immediately pull myself up from the depths of alcoholism and despair and now I don’t give a fuck about anything and I’m super happy, I’m functioning better in society, my craft has improved greatly–everything…

    word of advice to everyone who is on a fasting/kiunalini/ayahuasca/white light/ trip :
    I was all about that shit and I went to india and trained with yogis and everything….but i’m telling you the new wave of yoga people got it wrong– it’s a puritanical christian trip disguised as something else…think about it…. also the whole 2012 thing kinda turned out to be kinda bullshit right? So give something else a try… ; )

    Anyways keep it up girl

  21. What was beautiful about that post was that it was honest. And fucking true. I sure could use a little more of that in my circle of friends. My facebook feed is littered with the sort of thing you talked about – coming from the same handful of people, some of whom I know to be full of shit. I often wonder who they are trying to help/convince with that stuff. I can only assume it’s themselves.

    I liken it to a sales pitch – the harder you try to sell me something the more likely I am to believe that it’s not worth buying. Same holds true for all this “feel good advice”.

    FWIW I’ve found that those who see themselves as “enlightened” are often the first to criticize, and become defensive when another point of view is offered. What of “Go with the flow? Just be yourself? Kind of hypocritical if ya ask me.

    Sometimes the truth is hard for people to hear.

    But ultimately the truth will set you free. 😉

    It takes some of us many more than 20 something years to figure this stuff out – some people die never having achieved the level of enlightenment you have. I’d say THAT’S the disaster.

    Keep being you. And, (only if you want to) fuck those who want you to be more like them just so they can feel better about themselves.

  22. Okay, anyone who can use the word ‘fuck’ and universally and eloquently as you AND tells fart stories totally needs to be my internet-but-you-can’t-have-my-address bestie. So here is my question… How do you go about this? I have heard of this these-are-my-best-friends-who-I-have-never-met type friends, but I just don’t understand *how* it happens? Is it via comments on our blogs, and if so, I am SCREWED because I am a really lazy blogger and commenter? Is there some sort of snarky board of bloggers that claim to be besties? (P.S. WordPress is repeatedly trying to autocorrect ‘besties’ to ‘beasts.’) And with that, I am going to say that I have shared too much of my inner head ramblings…

    Uh…. let’s just go with, good posts!

  23. LOL! Nice to hear that someone else posts the same sort of mundane, random shite as I do, and even goes viral from it! Crap…can’t type since kitten is standing in for my wrist rest, with needle-sharp teeth….

  24. Thank you!!!! So funny, I just had tears rolling down my face laughing!!! The fart in the face bit is particularly funny!!!! Still laughing….

  25. I’m enjoying your writing–it is funny and insightful and I am also probably old enough to be your mom. Is that ok as long as your own mom isn’t reading your blog?

  26. I’ve had clients fart in my office. That’s a most confusing situation. You know you can’t say anything, and they know you smell it but when you look at them they make no uncomfortable facial expressions. They just sit there motionless looking at you like “Why are you looking at me?” I sneezed and farted at the same time once. I did the same thing. And nobody acted like anything happened. Then when I realized why no one was acknowledging me I figured out it was because they knew I farted so I started stamping my foot on the ground trying to make people believe it was my shoe that made some sort of sound that sounded like a fart. But when your shoe makes fart sounds it doesn’t smell like a fart afterward. That’s when I got out of there. Thanks for the fun..Samantha

  27. I only just subscribed to your blog (it is a weird word) tonight after a friend sent me a link to your entry about self-help/inspirational crap on FB. My friend knows how much that stuff picks my arse and she was spot on in sending me that link. I laughed and mentally high-fived you at least ten times, and they were good high-fives which I rarely expect from girls.
    Based solely on this I would most certainly date you, sweaty or not (I have a tendency to perspire too…more a body temperature thing than an anxiety thing though) or take you to a tropical paradise…if that was more likely to garner a yes from you. I’m not big on umbrella drinks and because I’m dark-skinned I get no thrill from laying on the beach but I’d do all this if you made me laugh and high-fived me in public like we had been doing that all our lives.

    I look forward to reading many more of your entertaining blog entries and suggesting inappropriate ways we could interact if we ever met.

    ✋HIGH FIVE!
    Bradley.

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