Everybody’s Working Through The Weekend (Or: I Made This List Instead of Accomplishing Anything)

You know that oft-quoted study that says that the average American worker changes jobs seven times in their lifetime? And then all those other studies that are like “uh, Millennials are changing jobs quicker than they can discard their chewed bubblegum,” or “Actually, did I say seven? So sorry, in the wake of this economic rigamarole we actually have no idea what’s going to happen to you guys!” (These are usually the same articles that feature stock photos of office workers looking bewildered in cubicles, or racially diverse attractive people smiling in business suits. Is that what actual offices look like? I honestly have no idea. I haven’t worn a suit to work since, well, ever. Is that normal? I just assumed that since I don’t own a business suit, no other twenty-seven-year-olds do either).

So it’s a Sunday night and I’ve been working straight through the weekend (one of the upsides/downsides to the freelance life) and I’ve been feeling super guilty that I took a dinner break and cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry instead of doing more work, and that’s when I started to think, man, I’m living my dream and all, but – maybe it’s time to change it up a little. Maybe I should start exploring what those other 7+ career change options look like.

CURRENT CAREER DECISIONS

Costume designer
Teaching artist
Occasional good-to-have-for-this-weird-job-type person
Occasional arts administrator

(Do I list “blogger?” Seeing as how I’ve never made any money on it, probably not. Actually, fuck it. I’ll leave it. I’m a …. Blogger. Wait. No. Fuck that. I hate that word.  Say it enough times and it starts to sound awful. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blogger. Blogger. Blog. UGH. I feel like I’m drowning in green swampy soup. Say it enough times and I feel like some horrible gremlin with pocked skin and stringy hair under a bridge pestering people to read my BLOG. Gross.

“Writer.” That’s better.)

CURRENT CAREER AMBITIONS

Professional cheese taster
World-traveling Woman Of Mystery
Bartender at a secluded swim-up bar on a private island
Member of a celebrity entourage*
Backup dancer for Frankie Valli cover band
Presidential high-fiver**
Designing the model showrooms for the Ikea store
Sassy receptionist who talks loudly about her sex life at work
Luxury Yacht Evaluator
Ira Glass’ personal assistant
Activist
Outsider Artist
1940’s-era private investigator
Traveling hobo with a Story To Tell
Small-town girl with a dream
Whiskey distillery owner
The one who gets to eat all the leftover food from all the cooking shows
YouTube Quality Control, Kitten Video Division
Minister of Photoshop Jokes
Superhero
Dinosaur
Mermaid
Ghost

*But only if that celebrity was like, sort of a homebody and didn’t get out much. Ideally, my celebrity friendship would be limited to “Hey! I made you this banana bread! Want to eat all of it while drinking bourbon in your living room and talking shit on Miley’s new haircut? Good, cause I really didn’t feel like not wearing these sweatpants right now.” 

**A job I just made up wherein I hold office hours at the White House so that in case the Prez is ever feeling down, he can stop by and I’ll give him a high-five. If he’s lucky, I’ll also mention that I like his tie, or ask if he’s lost weight, or offhandedly remark that I bet his family is very proud of him. I will spend the remainder of my office hours brainstorming ways to casually bump into his super-cute chief speechwriter, Jon Favreau.***

***Not THAT Jon Favreau. Look it up.

 

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26 thoughts on “Everybody’s Working Through The Weekend (Or: I Made This List Instead of Accomplishing Anything)

  1. I loved this, so I ‘liked’ it and then it said, “One blogger likes this.” But, I don’t like bring called a blogger either! So, as far as I’m concerned, one writer likes this. 😛

  2. I make lists when I’m trying to avoid stuff too. My list of possible professions for a meandering college student includes WWE wrestling. I’m just not sure because the title of “Glamazon,” has already been taken. =(

  3. I am not a fan of the term ‘Blogger’ either. I feel like if anyone read that on my resume, they would immediately discredit me as a writer. As for alternate professions, I am right there with you professional cheese taster, superhero, and mermaid. Though 1940’s noir-type private eye would be pretty amazing, as well..

  4. Some good ideas for my future career path. Except I would add old timey jazz musician as well, you know that time when people just started coming up with cheezy ways of singing I wanna fuck you and they were actually respected as artist, gotta love it. Also the not knowing that cigarettes and drugs are bad for you is a great bonus.

  5. This is amazing and hilarious, and I’m so happy I just discovered your blog! Hope you’re well, Fritz!!!

  6. I keep a[n awesome] list titled “Potentially Mutually Exclusive Life Goals.” But being a millennial means that I get to achieve them all, right? I just have to choose the order?

  7. I’m happy to find that someone else our age also appreciates Franki Valli! I thought I was alone. By the way, did you watch the season finale of American Idol? I didn’t watch a single episode before the finale, but was flipping channels when I saw Franki Valli give a performance. I almost crapped myself. Then Aretha Franklin came on too and I think I did crap myself.

  8. Oh man. I read this right after writing in a post that one of my professors once said the average person changes careers 6 times in their life. It was very comforting to see another person’s (totally realistic) career ambitions. My list included selling drinks out of coconuts on the beach of an island but I really like your idea of bar-tending at a swim-up bar.

  9. Clever. Funny. Very creative. The picture of you and B.O. Is what makes this a masterpiece. Keep up the good work.

  10. Love this. Great list. I’m still trying to work out a way to get paid for watching sitcoms and eating doughnuts. (I’m exceptionally skilled at both of those.) Suggestions welcome.

  11. I am with you on this one. It’s how our gen not afraid to take risks as it’s my firm belief that we should keep changing jobs every three years:) Let’s keep the faith::)

  12. I’ve decided you’re my writer soul sister.We both have such a positive way of spinning the shit into diamonds. And I love the mentorship youtube video. Not only has Demi proved to us she’s a horrible rock star who sleeps her way into record deals she also sucks at mentorship. If I was mentoring Jessie and sat her down to clothes and make-up I would have asked 1) are you hetero or homo, 2) ok we’re on the fence, and 3) she would have walked out looking like Joan Jett not June Cleaver. I mean who’s going to take an aspiring rock star seriously dressed like that?? If I had a mentor who approved me walking out like that I would have killed them and dropped them into Lake Superior. Bye K..

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