Ok. So the government is monitoring everything we say and do on our phones, checking our google searches, reading our emails. Ok. Ohhhh-kay.
On one hand: YUP. It’s super weird and creepy and terrifying.
On the other, I can’t shake the feeling that what that actually means is that out there somewhere, there’s some guy reading this right now in a massive cubicle center, and everyone there is dressed like the stormtrooper parody dudes from Spaceballs.
I’ve been having this totally narcissistic fantasy where I like to imagine that every now and again, that dude reading my emails smiles a little, or gets a kick out of what I have to say. I have to imagine that my personal emails are WAY more interesting than other people’s emails about their cats or their work memos or their vacation photos or whatever.
Although the truth is, it’s probably not. Which I now know, as I just attempted to re-read emails from the past five years to determine if there’s anything incriminating in there. Turns out, I’m mostly just boring.
SOME ACTUAL EMAILS THE GOVERNMENT HAS PROBABLY READ BY NOW:
Subject: whaaaaaat I could totally have hit this if I wanted to
Message: dude i know he doesn’t have a job and he’s a struggling actor or whatever but here’s a bunch of facebook pictures I just creepily saved onto my desktop like a STALKER and UGH HIS EYES I CAN’T EVEN. STOP IT. wtf is wrong with me? i should have just gone home with him.
[photo attached] [photo attached] [photo attached]
Re: Subject: OMG WHAAAT UP PROFESSOR E
Message: Thank you for your lovely email at 3:44 am last night, from you and the whole gang. At my age, drunk emails are vastly preferable to drunk texts, or, god forbid, a drunk 4am phone call. My wife might really have had me killed. So glad to hear you are doing well, regardless of your whiskey consumption last night. Give my love to [names redacted of other former students involved in sending of initial email message], so glad you all continue to spend time together. I’m glad you’re doing well and you sound so happy! Though again, might have been the whiskey. Love and Best – [Former College Professor]
Re: Subject: Weekend Plans!! Ahh I can’t wait to see you!!!!!!
Message: I haven’t had coffee yet and your last email was too long and cheerful for me to read. UGH I HATE YOU LIKE SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
Subject: hey sluts
Message: yo since I work for a nonprofit now I get free shit. friday night free tickets to the game. beer? bitches? baseball? blunts? fondly, [name redacted]
Subject: This morning
Message: Sorry I had to leave before you woke up. Made it to work on time but totally threw up in a trash can outside my building. Let’s never talk about it. See you tonight? xo
Subject: Last night
Message: Lovely seeing you last night. Sidenote: Have you seen my phone? I tore my place apart after you left and I’m afraid it fell into your purse. I can invent a reason for you to drop by my office if you want, or else I can just meet you somewhere during lunch. Email me back since, as I stated, I’m pretty sure my phone is in your purse.
Subject: I know you’re at work right now
Message: which is why I am emailing and not calling you but I just need you to know that I totally just got dumped via text AHHH PLEASE CALL ME BACK EVERYTHING IS THE WORST and it’s also probably all my fault because IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO KEEP A CASE OF CONTACT SOLUTION IN A DUDE’S BATHROOM WHEN I AM THERE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK?!?! APPARENTLY SO.
Also, in case you’re having a hard time remembering which boy I’m currently heartbroken over, I’ve attached a photo for your reference.
Enjoy, Government Monitor Dude. Enjoy.
Also, you’ll clearly be informed of my relationship status in a more immediate way than most of my friends or loved ones, sooo — if you’re cute and in the area, just call me. Don’t have to give you my number. I’m sure you’re on it already.