Are You There, Big Brother? It’s Me, Katherine.

 Ok. So the government is monitoring everything we say and do on our phones, checking our google searches, reading our emails. Ok. Ohhhh-kay.

On one hand: YUP. It’s super weird and creepy and terrifying.

On the other, I can’t shake the feeling that what that actually means is that out there somewhere, there’s some guy reading this right now in a massive cubicle center, and everyone there is dressed like the stormtrooper parody dudes from Spaceballs.

Image

I’ve been having this totally narcissistic fantasy where I like to imagine that every now and again, that dude reading my emails smiles a little, or gets a kick out of what I have to say. I have to imagine that my personal emails are WAY more interesting than other people’s emails about their cats or their work memos or their vacation photos or whatever.

Although the truth is, it’s probably not. Which I now know, as I just attempted to re-read emails from the past five years to determine if there’s anything incriminating in there. Turns out, I’m mostly just boring.

That said.

SOME ACTUAL EMAILS THE GOVERNMENT HAS PROBABLY READ BY NOW:

From: katherine@email.com
To: bestfriendfromcollege@email.com

Subject: whaaaaaat I could totally have hit this if I wanted to
Message: dude i know he doesn’t have a job and he’s a struggling actor or whatever but here’s a bunch of facebook pictures I just creepily saved onto my desktop like a STALKER and UGH HIS EYES I CAN’T EVEN. STOP IT. wtf is wrong with me? i should have just gone home with him.

[photo attached] [photo attached] [photo attached]

*

From: formercollegeprofessor@email.com
To: katherine@email.com

Re: Subject: OMG WHAAAT UP PROFESSOR E
Message: Thank you for your lovely email at 3:44 am last night, from you and the whole gang. At my age, drunk emails are vastly preferable to drunk texts, or, god forbid, a drunk 4am phone call.  My wife might really have had me killed. So glad to hear you are doing well, regardless of your whiskey consumption last night. Give my love to [names redacted of other former students involved in sending of initial email message], so glad you all continue to spend time together. I’m glad you’re doing well and you sound so happy! Though again, might have been the whiskey. Love and Best – [Former College Professor]

*

From: sarcasticandbitterhighschoolfriend@email.com
To: katherine@email.com

Re: Subject: Weekend Plans!! Ahh I can’t wait to see you!!!!!!
Message: I haven’t had coffee yet and your last email was too long and cheerful for me to read. UGH I HATE YOU LIKE SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

*

From: fratboyfriend@email.com
To: katherine@email.com

Subject: hey sluts
Message: yo since I work for a nonprofit now I get free shit.  friday night free tickets to the game. beer? bitches? baseball? blunts? fondly, [name redacted]

*

From: katherine@email.com
To: friendfromhighschool@email.com

Subject: This morning
Message: Sorry I had to leave before you woke up. Made it to work on time but totally threw up in a trash can outside my building. Let’s never talk about it. See you tonight? xo

*

From: guyIdidntwantanyonetoknowabout@email.com
To: katherine@email.com

Subject: Last night
Message: Lovely seeing you last night. Sidenote: Have you seen my phone? I tore my place apart after you left and I’m afraid it fell into your purse. I can invent a reason for you to drop by my office if you want, or else I can just meet you somewhere during lunch. Email me back since, as I stated, I’m pretty sure my phone is in your purse.  

*

From: katherine@email.com
To: bestfriendfromcollege@email.com

Subject: I know you’re at work right now
Message: which is why I am emailing and not calling you but I just need you to know that I totally just got dumped via text AHHH PLEASE CALL ME BACK EVERYTHING IS THE WORST and it’s also probably all my fault because IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO KEEP A CASE OF CONTACT SOLUTION IN A DUDE’S BATHROOM WHEN I AM THERE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK?!?! APPARENTLY SO.

Also, in case you’re having a hard time remembering which boy I’m currently heartbroken over, I’ve attached a photo for your reference.

[photo attached].

Image

 

Enjoy, Government Monitor Dude. Enjoy.

Also, you’ll clearly be informed of my relationship status in a more immediate way than most of my friends or loved ones, sooo — if you’re cute and in the area, just call me. Don’t have to give you my number. I’m sure you’re on it already.

xo K

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14 thoughts on “Are You There, Big Brother? It’s Me, Katherine.

  1. Your e-mails are obviously way more subversive than mine and ‘they’ are monitoring yours closely. Which means that I have a window of opportunity. Unfortunately, I won’t know when this will occur not being privy to your much more interesting life. But, if you would care to shoot me a hint now and again I could really go to town on what I realllllly think about the whole ehmmm…totally acceptable arrangement of spying on citizens.x
    Such a cool post. Narcissistic, yeah, but hey, aren’t we all a bit? Or is that just you and me? 🙂 x

  2. Your emails are obviously more entertaining than mine. Whomever is in charge of reading my emails from my mother everyday telling me where the dog is sleeping today, what cats showed up outside to eat today and what the weather is like along with emails from my friends where we talk about how incredibly tired we are because we’re old like we remember our parents were when we figured they were old, is most likely thinking of hitting a liquor store out of sheer boredom. If he finds anythig worth reading, I hope he highlights it and sends it back, because I have obviously missed it.

  3. I wasn’t all that bothered when this was leaked. I remember hearing a lot about Big Brother when this dropped, and this was usually from people who (never mind the fact that they hadn’t actually read 1984) post nonstop on Facebook about everything that’s going on in their life, have the location thing on so you can see where they are at any given time, talk about their failing relationships, and then post an instagram pic of their lunch. There’s no oppressive boot on our necks, because it was never necessary. We stopped having private lives a long time ago. And I’m just as guilty. Want to know what I’m reading, thinking about reading, and have read already, Big Brother? Then hop over to my Goodreads page…it’s all there.

    I just find it funny that we’re worried about our privacy being invaded when we haven’t had a private moment since social networking became popular.

    As for the boring personal life, I was selected for a random drug test a few weeks ago at work. My supervisor pulled me aside and, in hushed tones, asked if I was going to be able to pass it. “I’m not nearly as interesting as you think I am,” I told him, “But congratulations on dropping money for a test to find that Aspirin I took three weeks ago.”

    Go ahead and read my texts, NSA. Hopefully you’re a cat person, so you’ll enjoy the thousands of cat pictures my girlfriend sends me. Some of them are actually pretty funny…

  4. you obviously have the best emails ever because you got a reply back from an old professor, to a drunk type no less! and if you’re mind is on eye/helmet in the sky spying on your correspondence then i say give them something to ponder… throw in random catch words and nonsense and really make them scratch their heads.

  5. Your emails are funny. I’m experiencing my college days right now. I never really ever have time to email someone – if I’m partying and having too much fun. Kudos ! And weird that I just read this post because last night I seen Enemy of the State with Will Smith, and that movie was how long ago? Smh. Did we ever really have privacy? Blehhhh.

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