A Formal Apology In Case I Acted Weird At A Fancy Awards Dinner Last Night.

I wish I took a selfie.
Girl, I looked good last night.
My hair up high and lipstick on
My makeup looked just right.

I wish I took a selfie
Of my award-show hair and dress
It was such a fancy party,
This time I didn’t feel a mess.

I wish I took a selfie
Of my plunging dress neckline.
Miss Cathy leaned across the aisle,
‘Girl, your tittles look so fine!”

I wish I took a selfie
Of myself with all of you.
I was so proud to be there
So proud to see your lights shine through.

I wish I took a selfie
When you all asked what I’m working on
I’m just really bad at small talk
I’m sorry if I seemed withdrawn.

I wish I took a selfie
After that one last cup of booze
‘Cept I’m sorta glad I didn’t
I almost hurled up on my shoes.

I wish I took a selfie,
When I saw your new girlfriend
My stomach churned ‘cause mostly
She looked like someone I’d befriend.

I wish I took a selfie
As I danced all on my own
Until I felt so nauseous
I called Uber on my phone.

I wish I took a selfie
As I wriggled out my spanx
My thighs trapped in high-cut spandex
Despite persistent tugs and yanks.

I wish I took a selfie
As I crawled into my bed
The room felt really spinny
A throbbing ache inside my head.

But I didn’t take a selfie
Until I awoke in pain
And then I totally took that selfie
To say “Bitch, don’t DRINK so much again.”  

 

Image

 

 

(In all seriousness, it was a lovely event. Thank you to everyone who worked so hard to organize it, and much love to all the nominees and winners. I think you’re all amazing, through and through).

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17 thoughts on “A Formal Apology In Case I Acted Weird At A Fancy Awards Dinner Last Night.

  1. Oh man rough about seeing the ex with a new girl….and even rougher that there is nothing blatantly wrong with her so you can irrationally hate upon said GF.
    I would have drank as well…….in fact, BEEN THERE! I love the way the poem expresses so much and in such goo form! You brain obviously didn’t loose any cells from the night before 😉

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