It’s award show time once again, folks, and that can only mean one thing: people who are not famous will tweet a lot of opinions about expensive clothing they will never wear, being worn by people they will never meet! (Following this, they will tweet a lot of opinions about performances in movies they likely will never see).

And let’s face it: those pesky celebs get all the perks. I’m sure they have stylists and advisers and, you know, “people,” whose job it is to help them through the Big Tough Decisions about What To Wear. For those of you unfortunate souls without that luxury: relax. I’ve got your Golden Globes Style Roundup ready to go.

 

If you’re the kind of girl who asks the bartender if they wouldn’t mind switching the TV station…

This confident ensemble says “I’ve been spending time in the office on a Sunday in this business-appropriate yet moderately sexy look, but I’m confident enough in myself to watch the awards show alone at my neighborhood bar in the hopes that a handsome stranger with an appreciation for red carpet commentary will buy me a drink, or maybe some jalapeno poppers.” Bring along a notebook and pen if you feel self-conscious and claim to be a fashion blogger, even if you’re not: most handsome strangers probably won’t know the difference.

 

If you’re the kind of girl who invites thirty of her besties over for a “Dress Your Best!” viewing party…

This little number screams “I’m throwing a party for the seven or so people who replied to my facebook invite, and I definitely vacuumed and cleaned my apartment for you bitches!” Fun fact: you can claim it’s “Gatsby-Inspired” as a neat trick to distract from the fact that it’s just your New Year’s Eve outfit paired with a feathered headband. Not pictured: inevitable champagne hangover, bold opinion about “Gravity” despite not having seen the film, that awkward moment when you confuse “Llewyn Davis” with “Warwick Davis”.

 

If you’re not totally clear on what the hell I’m talking about…

I’m told there is something else we could be watching tonight instead, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it was.

 

If you’re really only in this for one reason….

Let’s face it, this is a groundbreaking time for female comedians, and I certainly wouldn’t stand in your way if you’re just in it to watch La Fey and La Poehler do their thing. Eat all the night cheese. Order all the waffles. Stop feeling bad that you haven’t seen “Wolf of Wall Street” yet.

 

If you’re really that jerk interested in making jokes about “Breast Unsupported Actress”…

I JUST SAW AMERICAN HUSTLE AND WHILE IT’S NOT PERFECT, AMY ADAMS’ BREASTS MOST CERTAINLY ARE. LEAVE AMY’S BOOBS ALONE.

 

 

If you’re basically everyone with a snarky opinion on the internet right now…

Fun fact: did you know you’re not supposed to walk around in those microwaveable slippers? Me either. I hope I haven’t done permanent nerve damage tonight.