I woke up like this.

I would like to say that everything in my life is perfect and smells like clean laundry and cookies and the sun is shining and the birds are singing and I woke up like this but that would be a LIE because it’s cold and miserable outside and my life is untidy in all those untidy human ways that just happen in the depths of the winter and the birds are like EFFF YOU WE ALL RAN AWAY and the weather is like OH HEY 12 MORE INCHES OF SNOW TOMORROW, MOTHERFUCKERSS and ’tis the season when my depression and anxiety tend to show their lying bastard ugly faces (have I mentioned before that I struggle with this? Good morning! I do!) and I had forgotten, for just one moment, until I woke up and checked my email, that while most people are marvelous, some people are this: 

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So let me tell you, I checked my email in bed this morning, and I woke up like this and then I woke up like THIS and, listen, I am fine, and I know this is just one very tiny moment in the grand picture of existence, and on the whole my life really is pretty great and some asshole behind a laptop isn’t going to change that, nor are they worth the time I’m spending to write this, but let me just tell you this ONE thing before we can all move on with our day: 

I don’t care for the word “cunt.” 

I have a vagina. And it’s awesome. And it’s mine. 

But that’s not really what we’re talking about here. 

You are telling me that I am worthless because I’m a woman, that I’m stupid because I’m a woman, that I’m dirty because I’m a woman. You are telling me that I am no more than a body part to be fucked and disregarded, because I am a woman. 

And I’m just not in the mood to be called a cunt today. 

And I’m upset with myself because if I’m going to write about how much the word ‘cunt’ sucks, I wanted it to be better than this piece. I wanted it to be a piece of writing that proves how definitively non-cunty I am, how smart and funny and personable I can be, how obviously more worthy of other adjectives I am. And this piece isn’t that, because I’m depressed and anxious and motherfucking COLD and just a human and come to think of it I shouldn’t have to prove to anyone that I’m not a cunt.  

(And for the record, I don’t know the gender of the person who called me a cunt. I don’t know if it was a man or a woman who used that word, and lest we all leap to judgements, I’d like to just come clean and say that I’m guilty of using that word about other women, several times, when I was younger, when I was angry. I feel really guilty about that now. I like to think I know better now.) 

So I’m going to get up and get dressed and go to work, and I’m going to go about my day, and I am going to buy a better set of winter gloves and I am going to do my laundry and I am going to be just fine, I truly am. 

But friends and readers, do me a favor. Maybe just don’t use ugly or wounding words today? Especially not that one. There are so many great words out there. We can do better. 

 

 

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80 thoughts on “I woke up like this.

  1. Wow. People can be just awful! What a terrible word! I hope you are having a better day and I am happy to see so many people supporting you!

    P.s. I really enjoy your blog so the person that left that ugly comment can shut up.

  2. Oh God. I hate that word too. And I wish you were my daughter, because you are brilliant and talented (not that my real daughter’s not) and you speak your mind so succinctly (not that she doesn’t) . Come to think of it, the two of you could be great friends. But love you and your writing, sister, Don’t stop. Bless your heart. I’m from the South, and it’s colder that a witch’s tit in a brass bra here today, too.

  3. Yes you are better than that.
    That was nothing more than a jealous, damaged person whose only talent seems to be finding a new low…you poop better than that!

    Have you noticed that the run-on sentence is a hallmark of the true bigot, slash racist, slash sexist, slash homophobe…? 😐

  4. I just stumbled on this…you remind me a lot of myself in my twenties. (Sidebar-I’m now 31 and not much has changed) Try to laugh at people that pathetic that they have to use the C word instead of coming up with something one might find on the SATs. And oh ps….they’re reading your blog. Kind of renders their point moot, eh? Chin up, girl! Good luck w the book

  5. I don’t think this person called you a cunt because he wants to insult you as a woman, or women in general. I believe it is the poor maximum vocabulary of his brain 😛 So yeah, it definitely shouldn’t bother you or gods forbid make you question should you write or not.
    And I loved that article a lot, the one to which this comment was given 🙂

  6. I really like the “we” in your sentence there because “we” are all guilty of being thoughtless, rude and hurtful. And the comment you speak of didn’t take much time, thought or effort. And that is how it is with us humans. A friend taught me something I will never forget, she always would say to herself when a person was acting hurtful to her, “kill them with kindness.”

  7. I just read a piece on all the hatred sent to Anne Hathaway over the 2013 year. It doesn’t matter if you are a celebrity or not– all of those bullying comments hurts and I think it’s really great that you wrote this post. You are better than the person who commented, because you can release your feelings in a positive helpful healthy way, and all they are doing is digging themselves deeper into the muck. So keep blogging! 🙂

  8. Reblogged this on Tigerlily's Garden and commented:
    I agree wholeheartedly with what she has to say. Keep the faith, sister. You are not the “C” word, not by a long shot, that any ignoramus calls you. I find it disgusting that men use this word so carelessly in regards to women. It shows a lot about their character. You can be slow in traffic and it’s a word that gets thrown at you. Yeah, I agree, let’s be more careful and intelligent with the words we choose to use. ~ KL

  9. I am a teacher in an alternative school. I get called naughty words all the time. They are not so easy to brush off, but I do ask my students to define them and use them in a sentence, or an algebra equation. So far, they can’t.

  10. I enjoyed this post…so much that you have a new follower 🙂
    I grew up in Philly & a long time ago in a galaxy far far away…I was 20 something once

  11. I would wear that comment with pride as a sign that your blog is now SO popular that trolls have decided to spend a minute to do their thing. Delete delete delete.
    FYI, new favorite word instead of c-t is ‘fifi’. Cos my vagina is so refined and awesome, its got a french accent and insane style.

  12. Loved this post actually. And you are funny and awesome. I’m a stranger and a writer too and I’m saying that. So fuck that person. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time someone on Reddit said something awful to me, I could finally pay back all my college loans. And then I brush it off because I’m like, I’m awesome, you don’t know me. So keep on writing. And once again, screw that guy.

  13. People suck! I have been a little out of the loop, but have thoroughly enjoyed every blog post of yours that I have read. Don’t stop being you because of some c-slinger that doesn’t even use punctuation!

  14. Pingback: I woke up like this. | fireboxblog

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