Here’s Some Erotica I Wrote Instead of Watching “Fifty Shades of Grey” Like Everybody Else This Weekend.

I’ve never read or written erotica before, but I *have* read just about every recap of the “Fifty Shades” madness out there. So I’m pretty sure I’m doing this right.


They were alone. William set the keys down on the bench and turned towards Val, fixing his gaze upon hers, keenly attuned to her pleasure, a smile that suggested other secrets were in store. Valerie’s jaw dropped ever so slightly as she saw, for the first time, what all the other girls had been talking about.

“William,” she whispered. “It’s – it’s…”

“Go on,” he murmured, pressing his lips to her ear and stroking a finger down the soft curve of her neck. “Touch it. I know you want to touch it.”

“I do,” she whispered, unable to control herself. “Oh, god, William, I do.” Her breath exhaled in a soft cloud as she reached a quivering finger towards the fedora once worn by Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones trilogies, thanking whatever God she believed in for sending her a Smithsonian museum curator on a Tinder date.


Their breaths had become matched, both panting and exhaling in short, hot, even expulsions of air. Kevin moaned. “I’m so close,” he said. “Jesus, Megan, I’m so close.”

“Like hell you are,” said Megan. “I’m gonna kick your ass in this Wii tournament if it’s the last thing I do, you sonofabitch.”


As Caitlin turned the keys to her apartment door and stepped into the foyer, it was the smell that first alerted her senses – something warm and welcoming and sensual, immediately familiar, immediately forecasting the moment that was to follow. Her soft hazel eyes blinked, acclimating themselves to the too-familiar room, and her heart skipped a beat when she finally registered James, leaning against the doorway of the kitchen, all wry smiles and tousled hair. She bit the lower corner of her lip and absently adjusted her hair, temporarily frozen in the hallway, a sudden flush creeping over her face, her neck, her collar, her breasts.

James smiled. He crooked a finger in the air, motioning for her to draw nearer. She took one tentative step in his direction, then another, and then she was in front of him. Her soft pink lips parted, a slow inhalation, but before she could say a word, he placed a finger on her mouth, sudden and unexpected.

“Shhhhhhhh,” he whispered, allowing his finger to trace the contours of her lips, her chin, her cheek. She closed her eyes, in anticipation of the pleasure to come.

“I can’t tell you how right you were. That organic lemon soap is amazing. I’ve done the kitchen and the bathroom and it’s never looked or smelled better in here.”

“What did I tell you?” she whispered, a sense of deep pleasure and satisfaction enveloping her every nerve, from her toes to her fingertips.

“I KNOW!” he said. “You win. I won’t ever buy the dollar store brand again. I’m so sorry we had that stupid fight.”

“Shhhh,” she murmured, cradling his cheek with her hands. “I love you and I got us take-out from Thai Garden and we were both jerks and let’s just watch Bob’s Burgers on Hulu tonight and never fight about cleaning products again.”

God, thought James. This woman just gets me.


“Harder,” thought Janie. “Oh, god, yes, HARDER, I can do this, oh GOD.” She tossed her hair back from her face, and looked up, smiling triumphantly. Her eyes locked with Alex’s, pulsing, searching. A shudder of violent, climactic relief passed over her face as he said the words she had been aching to hear for endless weeks:

“Congratulations to Janie, tonight’s winner of Final Jeopardy!


The candlelight flickered and glistened, illuminating the warm, rounded curves, the soft, comforting flesh. Joy’s warm pink tongue traced the upper reaches of her lip, her senses heightened in extreme anticipation. She arched her neck, letting out the smallest moan of surprise and pleasure.

It was easily the best Brie she had ever tasted.



Valentine’s Day Roundup:

-This thing on Cosmo is the best thing I’ve read in awhile. 

-I went to college with this kid who created an automatic Valentine generator. It wished me a “Poopy holiday” and called me a “mediocre beast,” so basically it knows me better than I know myself.

-This video was made by the talented Soren and Jolles and features my best friend from college, who a) almost definitely DID once barf while wearing a Brett Michaels wig (unconfirmed, but we used to text each other while watching “Rock of Love Bus” in different cities circa 2009…. a LOT, so I would be willing to bet that that line is based on a true incident) and b) who is having a hilarious week because this video is making the rounds on Cosmopolitan and Huffington Post and so finally the two of us can bond over the insanity of looking at your face on a national news website and thinking, “….. Oh, my god, is this a big deal, this is hu— shit, I just remembered I’m out of toothpaste.” 

The Breakfast Club is being re-released in theatres for its 30th Anniversary, which is a film that I associate with Valentine’s Day because of this one year that my best friend Bryan (best friend from high school / I have like eight best friends / shut up) decided to spend Valentine’s Day together watching movies in his living room. Like — we were adorable and very, very sober teenagers! We popped popcorn! We cuddled up under blankets! We talked about how much we valued our friendship in our lives! We promised one another that regardless of what future romantic partnerships the future would bring, we would always call one another on Valentine’s Day because we would be friends FOREVER!

Unfortunately, we drove to the Blockbuster Video and went right to the “New and Noteworthy” section and mindlessly grabbed whatever title seemed most likely to be nominated for an Oscar. That movie was “Requiem for a Dream,” which in case you didn’t know this already, is basically the MOST DISTURBING MOVIE OF ALL TIME. (True story: I think we decided on that one because we both LOVED Jennifer Connolly in Labyrinth. OH GOD SO YOUNG OH GOD). We then proceeded to look at ANYTHING BUT EACH OTHER for about two hours of painfully uncomfortable and graphic depictions of drug use and amputation and hallucination and that “ass-to-ass” scene and AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

The credits rolled and we kind of didn’t talk for awhile and then Bryan was like, “Okay …. I ……. okay,” and he went over to the VCR and put on The Breakfast Club and god, that was exactly what we needed in the moment that we needed it.



Happy Valentine’s Day, you beautiful people out there.