A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Words (That I Didn’t Feel Like Writing)

Writer’s block is a bitch.

So instead of publishing any of the crap that I’ve been trying and failing to make funny for the past week or so, here’s a bunch of pictures of myself. Now you know what I look like when I write!* My dear friend Kate over at P L A T E 3 Photography happened to be following me around with her camera all day when I was trying desperately to write some funny shit for your amusement. It didn’t happen. Instead, I ate some pizza and got drunk in the bathroom about it.**

I shouldn’t be allowed to have the internet. Or, you know. Friends.











Thanks for visiting. I’ll try to use my words next time.


*Note #1: This is in no way an accurate representation of what I look like when I write. For starters, the light’s not NEARLY as good. The snuggie and whiskey, however, are dead-on accurate. From now on, you’ll get to play “guess what I was wearing!?!” whenever you read one of my posts. (Hint: It’s not usually the lingerie.) (Hint #2: Trick question. That’s not lingerie. That’s totally one of those off-brand Spanx body slimmers).

**Note #2: I’ve recently learned how to check the statistics on this blog, and the results are fascinating. It appears that some of my biggest fans, aside from “people I know in real life who read this so they don’t have to talk to me at a party,” fall into two very distinct categories. A whole lot of you are health-conscious yogi types who found me from a slew of yoga blogs, or from facebook posts from your health-conscious friends. Word! WELCOME! Another whole lot of you are folks who found me from googling phrases like “I don’t give a shit about my health” or on obesity help forums. OMG! WELCOME TOO!***

The point being, I welcome you all, people with bodies of many shapes/people with many opinions about what to do with those bodies. You wouldn’t know it, but I’m actually an incredibly active and busy person. I love the world, and delight in exploring it. I’m aware of health risks posed by obesity and diabetes, and I do think it’s a little terrifying that we don’t know what chemicals are going into our foods nowadays.

Which is not to say I don’t fucking RELISH tearing into a goddamned slice of pizza. It’s all in moderation, bitches. Now can we stop shaming each others’ bodies already and get back to reading time-wasting bullshit on the internet?

*** These are all ACTUAL PHRASES that have been entered into search engines from which people clicked on this site:

“moms be like damn i cant even shit in peace”
“fuck my mom photos”
“my mom fucks everyone in town”
“jobs for people who don’t give a shit”
“fuck his mom on the golf course”
“happy is happy and shit is shit”
“kid fart blog girl”
“fart in my face what to do smell”
“why do I fart when im not expecting it?”
“amber alert”
“unicorn sex pics fanfic”

Oh, god. All of you. Seek help. Immediately.

45 thoughts on “A Picture’s Worth A Thousand Words (That I Didn’t Feel Like Writing)

  1. You definitely have some weird ass readers me thinks. I would be ummmm….somewhat normal. And maybe a friend of your moms…you know…the one that you don’t want to read this. Yup. Seriously funny shit. 🙂 Love the pics, they look like a lot of work.

  2. On the web people are forever saying they’re ROFL’ing, but really, literally, I’m laughing so loud and so long my stomach muscles are starting to hurt! The search terms as a grand finale is absolutely a brilliant touch. But far and away my favorite is the bath pic, because, with the magic of scrolling, just when you think you’ve seen how great it is, the red heels roll into view, and further hilarity ensues.

    Oh, and I don’t know how I found you the first time. I do know that I only had to read one post to get me to check the little box “Notify me of new posts.”

  3. The photos are amazing! Not only are you super talented, but you have super talented friends!
    I especially love the little touches – such as the “never eat alone” book in the pizza shot.

  4. hehe awesome 🙂 I love the photos!
    I found you on WordPress’s Freshly Pressed, I now use your admonitions about people dancing on beaches with scarves as a benchmark to tell me when I am getting too obsessive and going too much about changing diet and lifestyle.
    NB I am not really into yoga or empowerment (in fact I hate that word) but I am doing a 365 exercise project that has leaked over into my diet too 🙂

  5. First of all, you have the hair color of my dreams rather than dead leaf brown like mine. Second, what color lipstick are you wearing? Love it. Third, now that I’ve sufficiently been a creeper, I love these pics. The workout one has me giggling. And fourth, keep being awesome. Found you from Freshly Pressed – not unicorn porn unfortunately – and keep coming back.

  6. You’re probably the coolest person that I don’t know. You look great in these pictures. Amazing work on both sides of the lens. I think that your writer’s block wasn’t a block but an expansion of your creativity to another medium because the IDEAS of these photos comes from somewhere, right? I’m also a big fan of the bold wall choices. Kudos all around.

  7. I’m a 20-something who stumbled upon your blog from another 20-something friend’s fb post when she shared your “Twelve Habits of Happy…People…” been following since!

    ❤ Pride & Prejudice!

  8. You are gorgeous, your pics are gorgeous, your writing is gorgeous. There isn’t anything I don’t love about all of this blog. Thank you. (I don’t know how I stumbled on this but it wasn’t yoga or mom hate lol).

  9. You have a flair for the dramatic…cute pics. A little painful to see the underarm shaving pic, though. Hope that was for drama purposes only…dry shaving, yikes! Looks like your pics said 1000 words, right?

    Um, yeah, those search terms are odd, even disturbing…WHO searches the first one on my list? I shudder to think…never mind, don’t want to know. For fun, here are a few from my blog:

    f*cking dead women in morgue room
    embalming dead body
    morgue prep room
    unclaimed cremains ohio
    restoration artist at a funeral home
    warhistoryonline is bullshit
    a day in the embalming room
    woman dead feet in morgue

    What the hell?!

  10. Love the pics!
    Hmmmm…. you must not have seen my google search

    *Chicks who are funny as hell and love (profanity) too much. You know. Like my ideal best friend.*

    The fact that you’re also a booze hound was total luck.

  11. I didn’t know about the search term thing on stats until a few days ago. I posted something about having the song “Hot for Teacher” stuck in my head, woke up the next day and saw someone liked it and, even more unbelievably, followed my blog. I was happy for all of two seconds until I scrolled down and saw the search term he used to get there: “All world hot teacher fucking.” When you only have 20 followers, I guess you take what you can get.

    This site is confusing like that, sometimes, though. I posted a “horse walks into a bar” comic about the horse’s wife dying of cancer, and the first person to like it ran a blog about her battle with cancer. I posted a comic of Jesus on the cross dressed as Waldo, and got a follow from a preacher. I’ve stopped being surprised by WordPress.

    Anyway, love what I’ve read of your blog so far and will definitely follow it. Nice to see someone else drinks whiskey through a crazy straw.

  12. I realized between the pizza, wings, donuts, popcorn, and Doritos, I’m really not blogging the right way at all. I can learn many things from your post (which was excellent by the way).

    Except for the lingerie- sadly, I just can’t pull it off and look good.

    I know, I know… society’s loss.


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  14. You are hilarious and quite photogenic! I came across your blog by googling “Who gives a shit” to see if my name was in the search results. It wasn’t, but I found your blog, and now I’m hooked.

  15. Oh my god, that comment says I posted on Christmas day. That’s sad. It’s not Christmas day yet, I swear, even though it’s definitely Christmas day in some parts of the world. It’s still christmas eve over here, and I am still perfectly allowed to sit and surf aimlessly about the web looking at strangers photos. Which is not weird at all.

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  17. Beautiful, clever & funny! Is that black underwear showing on left, from under your gray t-shirt, in addition to the patterned undies around your calves? If it is, good insurance against peep show.


    Yeah, I tooooootally belong in the second category. For the record, I found this by searching ‘what if I don’t give a shit anymore’

    The first thing I saw was the title ‘I am begging my mother not to read this blog’ and then ‘twelve habits of happy, healthy people who don’t give a shit about your inner peace’. Basically… it’s perfect.

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