Ode For A Neurotic

Oh, would that I were Zooey Deschanel–
I’d write you a song on a ukelele.
But I am me, and I can’t sing
My voice is weird and kinda wailey.

If I were Johnny Showcase,
I’d dance to 70’s funk with you,
But my feet are lead and I can’t dance
(Not before a drink or two).

And if I were Dorothy Parker,
I’d have the right quip every time
But I’m not so quick and not so sharp,
It took an age to write this rhyme.

Oh, but if I weighed a little less,
Or if I were much better dressed,
Or if I wasn’t such a mess,
Or had just a wee bit more finesse,
I bet I wouldn’t be so stressed.

But I am me, and no one else
I begrudgingly agree
So I’ll just send an awkward text your way
And write some shitty poetry.