A List of Jobs I Invented At Midnight When I Couldn’t Sleep After Reviewing my Finances

Because sometimes you get your bill from the IRS and you get a little weepy when you realize that having it all means, at least financially, that you have very little and will not be taking a prancercise vacation to Mexico anytime soon. (Before we get into all that: I have a lot of friends and family and health and loved ones. Yes, I am rich in many other areas. Yes, I have a blog that a bunch of people read, and a decent design career. That’s awesome, and not everybody has that. I know that. This is not a moment about counting blessings, even though I know it should be, and usually I’m right there with you. But today, I’m just like: oh, shit, right! I worked really hard for a bunch of years to get where I am and I’m still  — still! — poor!)

Look, I’m just saying: sometimes you get a little in your own head about this and contemplate radically changing your life and your career but you don’t totally know where you’re going but you suspect that these jobs should exist and you should have them. If anyone knows of any job openings in the following fields, my resumรฉ game is strong.*

  • Sloth Halloween Costume Designer
    Have you looked at sloths on the internet lately? Now imagine that exact same thing, but everyone (ie: all of the sloths) is dressed as the cast members of Daredevil. This SHOULD be a full-time job, with benefits. The benefits are for me (health insurance) and for humanity (sloths in costumes).
  • Quirky children’s librarian with a penchant for peasant skirts who dresses up for Story Hour and also serves as part-time inspirational/mentor figure to wayward literary teenaged girls
    Apparently this involves some kind of degree in library science.
  • Professional cryer
    I’m not sure where this particular skill set would come in handy, but I am all feelings, all the time. Is there, like, a kink for that? My rate is six thousand dollars an hour, no touching.
  • Social media consultant for the Traditionally Conventional
    This is a polite way of saying: If you know your Facebook posts are irreversibly dull, hire me to spice things up before ever posting something like “Had a weird dream last nite LOL!”
  • Feminist killjoy
    Self-explanatory. Available for parties.
  • Burrito
    I’m really good at being rolled up into blankets and lying motionless for an extended period of time.
  • Personal listener/ friend / relaxation advisor
    This just involves some kind of hourly rate for an in-person or phone session where I listen to your problems, chime in appropriately, and eventually say, “Well, I think you need to listen to your heart. Does your heart need a vacation?”
  • Sweaty mess
    I am perhaps overqualified for this position.
  • Personal chef!!!
    But, like, only when I’m feeling it. I hope you like deviled eggs and a couscous recipe I got off the back of a Trader Joe’s box, ’cause that sure is what I had for dinner.
  • Artistic Arranger of Low-Cost Foods 
    This one IS real: you have no idea how many nonprofits I’ve worked for where I throw away the box from Costco, artistically plate some brownies on a platter, drizzle some Hershey’s syrup nearby, and smile politely at big-money donors.
  • Textbook Scrawler
    For $80/hr, I will write witty commentary in the margins of your textbooks. I feel like this will a) motivate students to actually read the textbooks, especially if they shelled out the money to hire me to spice it up a bit, and b) allow students to pretend that they have an imaginary friend who is also their penpal/ghost.
  • Film Critic, in the style of Kanye West
    “That movie sucked!” That’ll be five thousand dollars, please.
  • Urban Outfitters Caption Writer 
    On second thought, that’s a terrible plan.
  • 2016 Presidential Election Entrepreneur
    Inspired by the magnificent ostrich, this sleek and simple pillow support and comfort system is designed to be carried with you at all times, in the event that the opinions of your coworkers, friends, family, or neighbors require sudden deployment.ostrich pillow
  • Photoshopper, Joke Department
    I’m okay at photoshop jokes.
  • Imaginary Friend
    Does your child suffer from lack of imagination? Do you worry that they will be deprived of the traditional childhood experience of having an imaginary friend? I will come to your house and befriend your child, hiding whenever an adult presence enters the room. Job must include full dental and vision coverage.
  • Proprietress, Home for Wayward Children
    This just means I’d be ok with it if someone died and bequeathed me their possibly haunted Victorian mansion to fill with books and do some community outreach.


This is how career changes happen, right? Right. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

*my resume game is not strong, in case any of you were curious about that detail. My resume is basically an emoji of a surprised face next to the emoji for “wind.”