A List of Jobs I Invented At Midnight When I Couldn’t Sleep After Reviewing my Finances

Because sometimes you get your bill from the IRS and you get a little weepy when you realize that having it all means, at least financially, that you have very little and will not be taking a prancercise vacation to Mexico anytime soon. (Before we get into all that: I have a lot of friends and family and health and loved ones. Yes, I am rich in many other areas. Yes, I have a blog that a bunch of people read, and a decent design career. That’s awesome, and not everybody has that. I know that. This is not a moment about counting blessings, even though I know it should be, and usually I’m right there with you. But today, I’m just like: oh, shit, right! I worked really hard for a bunch of years to get where I am and I’m still  — still! — poor!)

Look, I’m just saying: sometimes you get a little in your own head about this and contemplate radically changing your life and your career but you don’t totally know where you’re going but you suspect that these jobs should exist and you should have them. If anyone knows of any job openings in the following fields, my resumé game is strong.*

  • Sloth Halloween Costume Designer
    Have you looked at sloths on the internet lately? Here you go. Now imagine that exact same thing, but everyone (ie: all of the sloths) is dressed as the cast members of Daredevil. This SHOULD be a full-time job, with benefits. The benefits are for me (health insurance) and for humanity (sloths in costumes).
  • Quirky children’s librarian with a penchant for peasant skirts who dresses up for Story Hour and also serves as part-time inspirational/mentor figure to wayward literary teenaged girls
    Apparently this involves some kind of degree in library science.
  • Professional cryer
    I’m not sure where this particular skill set would come in handy, but I am all feelings, all the time. Is there, like, a kink for that? My rate is six thousand dollars an hour, no touching.
  • Social media consultant for the Traditionally Conventional
    This is a polite way of saying: If you know your Facebook posts are irreversibly dull, hire me to spice things up before ever posting something like “Had a weird dream last nite LOL!”
  • Feminist killjoy
    Self-explanatory. Available for parties.
  • Burrito
    I’m really good at being rolled up into blankets and lying motionless for an extended period of time.
  • Personal listener/ friend / relaxation advisor
    This just involves some kind of hourly rate for an in-person or phone session where I listen to your problems, chime in appropriately, and eventually say, “Well, I think you need to listen to your heart. Does your heart need a vacation?”
  • Sweaty mess
    I am perhaps overqualified for this position.
  • Personal chef!!!
    But, like, only when I’m feeling it. I hope you like deviled eggs and a couscous recipe I got off the back of a Trader Joe’s box, ’cause that sure is what I had for dinner.
  • Artistic Arranger of Low-Cost Foods 
    This one IS real: you have no idea how many nonprofits I’ve worked for where I throw away the box from Costco, artistically plate some brownies on a platter, drizzle some Hershey’s syrup nearby, and smile politely at big-money donors.
  • Textbook Scrawler
    For $80/hr, I will write witty commentary in the margins of your textbooks. I feel like this will a) motivate students to actually read the textbooks, especially if they shelled out the money to hire me to spice it up a bit, and b) allow students to pretend that they have an imaginary friend who is also their penpal/ghost.
  • Film Critic, in the style of Kanye West
    “That movie sucked!” That’ll be five thousand dollars, please.
  • Urban Outfitters Caption Writer 
    On second thought, that’s a terrible plan.
  • 2016 Presidential Election Entrepreneur
    Inspired by the magnificent ostrich, this sleek and simple pillow support and comfort system is designed to be carried with you at all times, in the event that the opinions of your coworkers, friends, family, or neighbors require sudden deployment.ostrich pillow
  • Photoshopper, Joke Department
    I’m okay at photoshop jokes.
  • Imaginary Friend
    Does your child suffer from lack of imagination? Do you worry that they will be deprived of the traditional childhood experience of having an imaginary friend? I will come to your house and befriend your child, hiding whenever an adult presence enters the room. Job must include full dental and vision coverage.
  • Proprietress, Home for Wayward Children
    This just means I’d be ok with it if someone died and bequeathed me their possibly haunted Victorian mansion to fill with books and do some community outreach.


This is how career changes happen, right? Right. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

*my resume game is not strong, in case any of you were curious about that detail. My resume is basically an emoji of a surprised face next to the emoji for “wind.”


41 thoughts on “A List of Jobs I Invented At Midnight When I Couldn’t Sleep After Reviewing my Finances

  1. i love this so much, and can identify. when i can’t sleep at night and look back on what i’ve done/am doing, i consider being an art teacher to chimpanzees.

  2. Pingback: A List of Jobs I Invented At Midnight When I Couldn’t Sleep After Reviewing my Finances – Psychochromatic Redemption

  3. Awesome list!

    So many potentials for double dipping, like being an imaginary friend at the same time as you cry while dressed as the library lady and drop film critic f-bombs on your iphone.

    Dreams and desires belong to an expandable universe but money is a finite commodity.
    Doesn’t that suck?

  4. Advice from a bookkeeper: if you owe the IRS every year- it is simply bad planning on your part. Always claim Single 0 dependents, pay in extra if you have more than one job, and make sure you have a GOOD tax man/woman. I enjoy a large refund every year, and yes the IRS got to keep my money interest free during the year, but I’m happy to give up the .86 cents I would have earned with today’s low interest rates, as I am happily planning my extravagant summer vacation while you are not.
    Love your blog….

  5. Pingback: A List of Jobs I Invented At Midnight When I Couldn’t Sleep After Reviewing my Finances | redsnest

  6. If you would consider gluing ribbons to eggs with their contents blown out (for use as permanent Easter eggs or Christmas ornaments), my job from the 70’s for a boutique in Carmel, California, might be taking applications. Although, on second thought, if a good salary is an objective, it isn’t really a good fit …

  7. Professional cryer is actually a job.
    They’re hired (usually as groups) to cry at funerals and make other attendants cry, and also to cover up a lack of emotion or glee at someone’s passing.

  8. dude I could totally be a professional cryer. My tears are endless. Don’t need an onion to make this girl cry

  9. Ahhh. This is so good. And I feel like I can relate to your feels. I just got hit with my taxes and it hurts. And then I look at the people around me and they seem so much more settled and life seems easier for them. It does make you question why you had to choose the creative life. Bah.

  10. I should hire you as a professional cryer for someone I know when he dies some day, because I’m pretty sure nobody will actually cry for him. In fact, there will likely be a lot of joyful dancing on his grave. So for propriety’s sake, your services will be needed.

  11. I’ve always considered Professional Witty Text Sender as a profession. Some people aren’t blessed with people in their lives capable of sending them jokes to get them through the day. Standard rates + Joke Fees would apply.

  12. I’m dying… do you crack yourself up while you write this?? I totally would.

    Human burritos are under-appreciated. You’re a gem.

  13. This post cracked me up. You are awesome. And I had seen on the t.v that there is a tribe of women who cry professionally at funerals in Rajasthan, India. And I wish to charge a thousand dollars for everything all the time.

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